


Bruises of the Heart

by Qualitytrashtho



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Found Family, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Like much needed therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-19 18:50:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19978834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qualitytrashtho/pseuds/Qualitytrashtho
Summary: Kara learns she doesn't have to be invincible all the time





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There aren't really suicidal thoughts within the work, but it borders on it, so please keep that in mind before reading.

Kara's first brush with pain came as a brush against her cheek, just to the side of her nose, where her mother’s lips caught her tears as the word goodbye barely escaped her own and her world crumbled beneath her feet.

_'Please don't go,' Kara held desperately to her mother’s tunic finding comfort in her familiar perfume even as the ground around her shook and her world cracked open._

_'I'll always be with you my darling,' her mother’s soothing voice pulled Kara further into a state of peace despite the chaos surrounding the two, but her hands retreated all too soon pushing her towards a lonely pod._

_In an attempt at reassurance, she clasped a cool necklace around her, like a blanket of love just above her heart. 'I love you Kara, please remember I am never truly gone,' Alura’s eyes watered as the pod sealed shut, her world shook, but her mother stood still, her heartbroken gaze never straying from Kara's own._

_'Always,' she mouthed just as her pod took off._

_Years later Kara would grasp her mothers necklace thinking of her last words, they weren't lies, but they'd always sting like one. And something like that, always hurt._

Kara tried desperately to fit in on her new planet. She learned their language, their customs, their philosophies, and their differences. By high school the word "their" no longer applied as she fit in nicely, (although Kara still took on the role as an outcast because her strange habits from middle school still lingered in the memories of her peers). 

She would fit in although, eventually. Even Alex started to take a liking to her.

But years later and the aftermath of her home destruction still lingered, the more human Kara became the more alien she felt. To fit in she had to forget about Krypton, put away her traditional clothing, forget her language, her religion, her customs. 

Negligence took her planet, but that wasn't enough, because Earth would take her memories of home. 

Overtime the pain in Kara's heart slowly came to spread throughout her whole body, like poison in her veins. But Kara couldn't show it, couldn't admit to it because she was an alien meant to serve and protect a distant planet now called _home. Do what her parents failed to do so long ago._

And just like all the other expectations placed on her Kara met them, becoming Supergirl. Her heroin personality admittedly at first was freeing, finally she could accept her powers and be fully Kryptonian, after being forced to hide her powers for so long, finally she could be _herself._ But even that proved to be a double edged sword. Supergirl wasn't Kara Zor-El, she became a symbol of hope and strength, one of invincibility.

Kara Zor-El was the last daughter of Krypton, a planet of a different language, culture, science, atmosphere, soil, and only she carried the memories of it all. Except she couldn't talk about that, because she was on a new planet with a new people, language, culture, atmosphere, and soil and she had to tuck away Kara Zor-El, she was vulnerable and weak. She was a of a dead planet, and Kara could only focus on her new one.

She started to feel the weight of a new world bear down on her shoulders as she became the woman of steel, although she'd never admit it, with each passing day it became harder to balance.

Especially when on the inside she still felt the hurt from years prior still lingering in her mind like a broken tune Kara couldn't forget. 

It was rare, but it was impossible to stop the distinct feeling of missing home from growing, from poisoning her thoughts late at night, where sometimes— _sometimes_ —she wished she had died with her people.

The guilt that would plague her every time she had a night like that was enough to make her avoid Alex and all the people who loved her, who so desperately would lay down their lives to protect her. And Alex, who would do anything to help her feel _whole._

_And lately, those thoughts started becoming more common._

It came with more change. Alex was spending more time with Kelly, Alex, the only person who really understood Kara's struggles despite how much she actually kept hidden _didn't have time for her._

It was stupid, really, Alex deserved to have fun more than anyone else—it was the poison in Kara's heart, it was making her _selfish._ Kara knew that, so when Alex talked about skipping her Earth birthday, she smiled and assured Alex it was okay to go, despite her being the only person she wanted to spend time with. 

_'It's fine really! Go have fun with your girlfriend,' Kara plastered a smile on her face._

_'Are you sure?' Alex hesitated, not quite believing her sister._

_'Yes! Go! Go have fun,' Kara meant it too, she wanted Alex to have the time of her life, she deserved it._

_Her sister smiled, planting an excited kiss on her cheek, 'I love you, we'll celebrate later yeah?'_

_Kara nodded her head and smiled as best she could, 'I love you too, now go.'_

_She spent the night alone, staring at the ceiling wondering if Alex would celebrate with her later. (She never did, and Kara never pushed because Alex was happy, and who was she to take that from her? She was Supergirl, Supergirl didn't ruin happiness, she ensured it)._

It continued like that, Alex wanting to spend time with Kelly, eventually, Kara almost felt like she only ever saw Agent Danvers, never her sister. And as Alex discovered a new part of her life involving balance between work and home, Kara rediscovered the same loneliness which gripped her at such a young age when she first came to Earth. (Except this time there was no Alex to help her out, help her sleep on the nights she dreamed of her lonely pod, a dream which was making its way back). 

Kara went from feeling alone to being alone. Alex was busy, James was busy, Kal-El was off Earth, J'onn was on a black ops mission, Nia was working and having fun with brainy, and Lena was going to and from so many meetings lately it was a miracle they even had time to date. 

Bags started to grow under her eyes. She counted the fan panels above her bed, hoping maybe she'd fall asleep and finally be too tired to dream. That was never the case.

Her lack of sleep was soon followed by a familiar lack of motivation. It got to the point where Kara spent her weekends laying in bed, not eating, not moving, praying she would sleep.

_And when her loneliness became desperation, she'd close her eyes and see her mom, telling her she was with her always, oh how Kara wished that were true, she never felt so alone._

It was ironically Kelly who noticed something was wrong at first. A fight taking place downtown with an alien took longer than usual for Supergirl to put down. Her footwork was sloppy and her reasoning and logistics uncoordinated when taking the alien down. _It nearly cost a little girl her life, if someone hadn't pushed her out of the way._

Her comms were down but Kara knew Alex was on the other side screaming at her to get the alien out of the city, she tried—she really did—but kara hadn't gotten a good nights rest for weeks, she also hadn't been eating as much, she was running on fumes—the alien could tell and said as much.

_"You're weak Supergirl, is that what Earth’s mightiest hero has to offer?" His tail whipped around suddenly, smacking Kara in the face sending her crashing into a brick wall. A tiny drop of blood trickled down her nose much to Kara's surprise. She wiped it away quickly standing up as if brushing off a fly hoping no one would catch her struggle._

_Kelly did though, the cameras recording the fight captured the moment. She also took note of the way Supergirl seemed like she was lagging behind each move, finding herself in predicaments she shouldn't be. One punch turned to two turned to three and soon it was Supergirl being knocked out of the ring to which the alien followed her._

_She landed miles away crashing into unforgiving dirt leaving a crater in her wake. 'Is that all you have?'_

_Kara coughed, swaying as she slowly stood up, her vision was blurry and judgement clouded. Another blow to her chest sent her flying through a couple of trees. The sickening crack of the tree's became indistinguishable to the crack of a bone._

_She rolled over onto her back, Listening to the maddening thump of alien footsteps on a mission to crush her. Squeezing the cool dirt underneath her, Kara tried to ignore the pain radiating from her rib—she couldn't move._

_A part of her found herself clinging to the pain, allowing the adrenaline and hurt divert her attention away from the emotional turmoil of the past several weeks._

_'Kara! Get up he's coming your way! Kara please!' Alex's voice barely registered in her mind, but the fear and desperation got her moving. Rising to her feet, Kara met the onslaught of a tackle head on, dust and splintered wood erupted all around them, in the end, it was Supergirl standing victorious, bruised, battered, breathing, and feeling barely alive._

"Supergirl!" Alex wrapped her sister in a bear hug when she returned. Kara turned her body away trying to hide the bruising on her cheek and minimize the pain still coming from her chest. 

Kelly didn't let her off that easily, "Got a couple of bruises there?" Alex let go suddenly trying to tilt her sister face towards her to get a better look. Kara instinctively backed away, not wanting her to worry. 

"Alex I'm fine just—Alex stop," she sighed frustrated.

"No, you stop, let me see," Alex probed. Finally Kara turned her head revealing a couple of bruises along her face, also noting some on her hands. "Shit."

"I'm fine it'll heal," Kara pushed her sisters hands away, "It always does," she muttered the last part, something unheard by Alex but not by Kelly who raised an eyebrow at the hero's disgruntled fashion. 

"Are you limping?!" Alex stopped her keeping her firmly in place before taking off. "Sun lamps, now," by the tone of her voice Kara knew there was no arguing, she rolled her eyes anyways. 

"Let me see."

"Alex…" Kara started. 

"Kara take off the suit and let me see, that's an order."

Using her super speed Kara changed back into regular clothes so Alex could examine her. A hiss escaped her lips when Alex accidentally brushed against the bruise blossoming across her chest. "I don't understand, was there Kryptonite? How could an alien do this?"

Kelly eyed Kara from across the med bay noting the bags under her eyes and the fatigue present in her shaking hands along with her unusual moods, she could tell something was clearly wrong. 

Alex didn't though, because Kara tried so hard to be sunshine Danvers, because it was expected, because being the depressed alien that lost her home world wasn't normal— _didn't allow her to fit in._

Plastering on an unimpressed look she swatted her sisters hands away repeating the words 'I'm fine' and 'It'll heal faster at home,' as she sped out of the room away from Kelly's scrutinizing gaze and Alex's concerned look.

_She couldn't sleep again,_ Kara was two seconds away from punching a hole in her ceiling, so instead she opted to fly around the city, hoping she'd tire out. 

Along the way she noticed Lena's office was still lit, meaning she was still working. Not an uncommon occurrence, although Kara wished Lena wouldn't work so late, she needed sleep too. Drawing closer to the building Kara could see her pinching the bridge of her nose as she looked over some papers, a glass of water by her side. 

She smiled slightly, noting Lena's effort to steer clear of alcohol, although she still wished she'd head home and sleep. 

A part of her wanted to drop in and say hello, but Kara was so frustrated she was afraid to be near Lena, she didn't want to spread the poison circulating throughout her heart, especially when Lena had her own demons to battle. 

That was the thing about her, Kara never wanted others to worry, she always put them first and willingly stayed clear if she felt like her presence put anyone in danger. She figured she was doing the same for Lena. 

Sighing, Kara closed her eyes, wishing she could have anyone to talk to. Loneliness crept back into her world, making her heart ache like she was child all over again, and she hated it. Alex was always a buffer, she helped her find a new family, helped keep her occupied and overtime Kara found herself seeking Alex out anytime she had a rough day or night because she was her sister and she knew what Kara went through. 

But after Alex came out to her, she’s been hesitant to seek her comfort. It was when Alex admitted she was gay she realized what a burden she'd been on her. All those years and Kara never created room for Alex's secret, forcing her into the same loneliness she so wanted to escape. To make up for she'd been quiet as Alex slowly slipped through her fingers and disappeared from her life. 

_It was the least she could do. Plus—_

"Hey stalker," Lena's voice brought Kara out of her thoughts and a smile to her lips. It was always an immediate reaction.

"I'm not stalking," she slowly landed on the balcony meeting Lena who wrapped her arms around the back of her neck while Kara's arms landed on her hips. 

Lena raised an eyebrow. "Really? I've been hearing you're cape flutter in the wind for the past five minutes. Sounds like stalking to me."

Kara smiled softly and lightly nudged her nose against Lena who planted a kiss on just above her lip. "What's wrong baby?"

She shook her head, already annoyed that Lena was picking up on her unusual mood. It meant she would worry, and Kara never wanted her worry. "Nothing, I'm fine, I just missed you is all."

"Hmmm," Lena stood up a little as Kara's boots made her taller than normal. She pressed a kiss to the crinkle by her brow smirking as she did so as if letting her know she knew better. Kara rolled her eyes, although refusing to let Lena go.

"I'm fine, I swear," she mumbled near Lena's ear. 

"I saw that fight in the news today, I was worried, it looked more difficult than usual for you." 

Kara let go then, her defenses were starting to flare up and kick in and she didn't want Lena to see that side of her. "Lena I'm okay. I'm Supergirl it's what I do."

Lena could tell something was wrong of late too. Kara had been more distant than usual, even when they spent time together. She had been more careless in fights, something only Lena knew before Kelly, she also noticed the bags growing under Kara's eyes. 

Though she decided not to push right then, instead she clapped her hands to shut off the office lights and grabbed Kara's hand. "Take me home? To your place?" Kara raised her eyebrows her smile coming back, Lena tugged her closer, "I could use some sleep and your world famous cuddles."

"I can do that."

Lena slept soundly in Kara's arms, and Kara managed to get two hours of sleep that night. It was such an improvement the next morning she convinced herself it was enough— _it wasn't._

_Another rogue alien made its debut downtown again, and this time Kara could barely stand. Blood was dripping from a cut on her head and her chest burned with each breath she took. Staggering Kara took another blow to the jaw, sending her unconscious onto the pavement. The alien would have crushed her if the J'onn hadn't returned in time to stop it._

_'Supergirl!' J'onn reached her just before everything went black. His voice sounded muddled, as though Kara were hearing him underwater._

_'Supergirl!' Alex shouted into her comm._

_'I got her Alex,' it was the last thing she heard before she finally went under the spell of blackness and emptiness._

_'She's barely breathing,' Kara's eyes fluttered open, the world around her spinning into chaos. 'Kara! Can you hear me?' Alex shone a flashlight into her eyes._

_'Alex?' Her voice came out mumbled and hoarse._

_'Kara!'_

_'Lena stay back we got her, Le—'_

_'Let me see her!'_

_Her eyes closed just as her heart stopped ._

_When Kara opened her eyes again she was two seconds away from entering a pod. She started screaming then, turning to find her mother._

_'I'll always be with you Kara.'_

_'You're lying! I know you're lying!'_

_'Go Kara! Now!' She was in the pod then, her mother staring at her as she took off._

_'Mom!' The pod blasted into space, letting darkness of space engulf her whole._

_'No!'_

Kara woke up in a sweat, her heart monitor going through the roof. She couldn't breathe, a tube was shoved down her throat and she couldn't breathe. Some commotion sounded around her but Kara was too busy trying to get the thing out of her throat to notice. 

"Kara!" Alex came into view, her heartbeat still rapid but the fear from earlier subsiding somewhat. "I need you to calm down babe, I'm going to take the tube out okay?"

She nodded once and whimpered slightly once Alex finally did as promised. "Where am I? What happened?" Kara struggled to get out, her voice still hoarse. Alex placed a hand on her sisters shoulder rubbing it slightly as she checked a couple monitors. 

"You took a beating, but you're fine now."

"Oh," Kara looked away ashamed, tears started pooling in her eyes, she couldn't meet the concerned gaze of her sister who sat on the bed and grabbed her hand. 

"Kara, it's okay, everythings fine," Alex tried to console her laying down and pressing her head against Kara's temple. "Everything fine, but I need you to tell me what's going on. There was no Kryptonite, you have your powers, but you're bruising and not healing… please talk to me, I'm so worried." 

Kara turned to her then, "Alex I-I just—I'm so alone," she hated the way her voice cracked and tears slipped down her cheeks. Her sister held her tighter, her brows furrowing in an attempt to understand.

"What do you mean?"

"I-I—"

"Ok hey," Alex placed a hand on her sisters cheek, wiping away her tears, "How about you get better here, and we can talk more at home, ok? But you have to get better for me first, alright babe?"

Kara nodded her head, grateful for the slight break. "Where's Lena?"

"Outside, she'll be in shortly. For now I need you to rest though, Ok?" Kara nodded her head, finding her sisters warmth enough to lull her to sleep.

"Don't go," Kara mumbled before drifting off.

"Never."

Kara woke from a dreamless sleep for the first time in a while, curled into her sister, she had to fight off the urge to drift off again. Turning her head Kara laughed softly as she noted Lena sleeping in the chair next to her bed, her head on the mattress and her hand entwined with Kara's. Squeezing her hand gently Lena's eyes fluttered open, it didn't take Kara to say anything, just tugging her forward, for Lena to get the message and climb in next to her.

"You're awake," Lena sleepily said. Kara kissed her forehead gently.

"I'm sorry for worrying you."

Lena shook her head, gently cupping Kara's jaw, "You have to stop apologizing for that, I love you, so naturally I will worry about you."

Kara nodded her head unconvincingly at her girlfriend, to which she sighed.

"I love you, and because I love you we will have a serious conversation about this later."

"Ok," Kara managed to say, her eyes fighting to stay open.

"Go to sleep baby," Lena wrapped a protective arm around her waist just like Alex had in her sleep allowing Kara to drift off again.

A week passed before there was a knock at Kara's apartment, the moment she saw Lena, Alex, and surprisingly Kelly all waiting to come inside, she knew it was time for 'the talk.'

Kara let them in wordlessly. She situated herself on the far end of her couch and held a pillow close to her chest. She didn't know what to say, nervously, she spun a ring Lena gave to her for their anniversary around her finger keeping track of each passing second filled with silence. 

Kelly was the one to break it, "Sleep ok?" It was a test, to see if Kara would be honest outright or if she'd continue to pretend like everything was alright even though the bags under her eyes said differently. 

"I'm––" Kara hesitated, "I'm a little tired," she finished shrugging her shoulders. Lena reached out a hand, soothingly rubbing Kara's knee noticing she was tensing up. 

"We're here to help Kara," Alex spoke up from besides Lena who both sat on the couch with Kara. The assurance was appreciated, but it did little to calm Kara's nerves. For the past several months she had been bottling her feelings, and part of the reason why was the woman sitting in front of her. 

Kara felt a wave of frustration then, not at Kelly per se, but at herself for constantly feeling like a burden to others, for not doing a better job at hiding it, and a little at Kelly for bringing it out in her. 

"I'm fi—"

"If you say 'I'm fine' one more time Kara…" Alex spoke up this time, frustration and concern evident in her own voice. 

Kara closed her eyes wishing everyone in the room would go away.

' _But that's the problem isn't it? They went away and I couldn't handle it and now they're all concerned and it's my fault. They should all be having fun and working and I'm robbing them of that.'_

"Kara, I know this is difficult, trust me honey I know," Lena whispered the last part, hinting at her own struggles, "But we gotta start somewhere, just tell us how you feel."

' _I will always be with you.' Kara could hear her mother’s voice and the lie it told just then. She never felt so alone._

"I—I—just have trouble sleeping lately, and I have these thoughts and—"

"What thoughts?" Alex sounded confused—to which more frustration swept through Kara causing her to sigh while burying her head in her hands. Kelly shot Alex a brief look, essentially telling her to shut up, which she did reluctantly as Kelly held out hand and grasped Kara's.

"Kara, would you like to see someone outside of this group? Maybe then it would be easier to open up?" 

She looked up then, nodding her head gratefully as she did so. It was already hard admitting she wasn't ok when she was suppose to be a hero, but admitting she wasn't ok in front of the ones she loved and cherished was somehow worse. 

Kelly smiled at Kara seeing the relief in her eyes, "I know someone who can help," Kelly held out an associates business card to which she quickly retracted before Kara could reach for it, "Don't think this is a get out of jail free card though alright? I want to know you at least went to one session," Kara nodded her head vehemently, just wanting to get the whole ordeal over with. 

She swore she'd go to one, but nobody made her promise to keep going, something she was silently grateful for. 

The therapist was located not far from Kara's apartment, just a brisk four minute walk. Lena accompanied her along the way silently providing support by pushing Kara along and ensuring she went to the right place. They had been standing outside the doors for a minute, Lena didn't say anything at first, but the crease in Kara's brow became more prominent and a part of her started to worry. She rubbed a hand soothingly down Kara's back, hoping to bring her out of whatever thought process she was in. 

It worked, Kara turned to Lena suddenly the words, "I'm scared," tumbling out of her lips so quickly she almost didn't catch it.

"I was scared the first time too, nervous that'd I'd be judged, but Kara I'm telling you there's nothing to be scared of." 

Kara shrugged her shoulders choosing to stand in the cold a little while longer. Her throat felt dry like she was coming down with something, despite being invincible. "Kara…" Lena's voice snapped her out of her doubt temporarily, shooting her girlfriend a small smile Kara headed inside, not entirely sure what to expect. They sat for a moment before the receptionist called her name, telling Kara which room to head too. Lena gave Kara's hand one more reassuring squeeze before she disappeared behind the door. 

It wasn't long before she came bolting out.

_'Lena waited._ _Thank God she waited.'_

Kara could barely contain herself as she shot Lena teary look—eyes bloodshot—before running out of the building at least fifteen minutes before her session ended.

"Kara! Kara wait!" 

She stopped on the sidewalk, panting heavily feeling the cold sting her lungs with each breath. 

The sky was crystal blue and looked about as cold and lonely as Kara felt, until Lena wrapped her in a hug, and Kara felt a semblance of balance make its way back into her life. 

"It's alright baby, I'm here, I got you." 

A choked sob pushed its way out of Kara's lips, unable to contain herself she held tightly onto Lena. It hurt a little, but she knew better than to complain. 

Seeing Kara cry that hard was a jarring experience for Lena, for a second she could understand why Kara tried so hard to keep it to herself because it definitely made her a little nervous considering she always maintained a sunny disposition. When Kara finally calmed down, Lena managed to pull herself away for a second finding nearly swollen shut blue eyes staring back at her. 

"Let's head home yeah?" Kara nodded her head 'yes' somberly. On the way back Lena held Kara close, occasionally shooting her a worried glance every time she sniffled slightly. Oddly enough a part of her was relieved Kara was letting her pent up emotions out in front of someone. Despite the thought, Lena was left wondering: _'What happened? How long has this been going on?'_

_"Kara Danvers?" The therapist asked. Her name was Dr. Laurel, she seemed friendly enough with doe like brown eyes, a nice smile and overall calm demeanor. She was a lot more put together than Kara, that was for sure. She'd only asked for her name and Kara was already shaking, her eyes darted around, noting the lingering smell of a lavender candle, books stacked in the back, and a comfy couch to sit on. A window to the left of the couch allowed plenty of sunlight to pour into the room providing a nice view of the tree's and park across the street._

_Dr. Laurel sat across from Kara, no notepad in hand, not exactly what Kara was expecting which, again, made her more nervous. "Have you been to therapy before Kara?" She shook her head no as she sat down on the couch letting her body fall into it, hoping maybe she could disappear into its cracks. When she didn't, she crossed her arms across her stomach, feeling the need to protect herself an action not unnoticed._

_"Ok, since that's the case I'm going to walk through the process with you, I know for some clients their first time can be a little nerve wracking," Dr. Laurel smiled slightly when she noticed Kara relax a little, "You know when you go to a regular doctor for a check up?" Kara nodded her head slowly, brows furrowed because she had never actually been to a normal doctor, although she had been through 'check ups' when with Eliza and sometimes with Alex after a difficult fight._

_"This is kind of like that, except this time we are going to check up on your mental health, yeah?" Kara nodded her head finding herself a little more relaxed by the explanation. "Basically you just tell me what's wrong, I listen, we can talk about solutions, and depending on the trauma we might delve into the past," she tensed again, "But you don't have too if you don't want to," Dr. Laurel added thoughtfully, "Although, I would strongly suggest sharing it if it's something related to whatever you're dealing with yeah?" Kara nodded her head again._

_"So Kara, what's going on?"_

_"I—um—I guess I haven't been sleeping well lately, and sometimes, sometimes it feels like my brain is buzzing? From all the noise? I just, I just want to sleep again."_

_Dr. Laurel nodded her head sympathetically, "When did this start?"_

_"Umm…a few weeks ago? Maybe three?"_

_"Did anything in particular happen around that time? Anything that could make it difficult for you to sleep?"_

_Another flashback played in her mind, Alura stood still, smiling, managing to maintain a level of grace Kara always clung to in times of desperation. 'I'll always be with you my darling.'_

_"I––It was my—um we celebrate the first time I came to live with the Danvers, from uh Minnesota, except Alex, my sister, had a date, so we never did celebrate," Dr. Laurel nodded her head encouraging Kara to continue, "And yeah, it started around there."_

_"And why did you have to move in with the Danvers?"_

_Kara sucked in a breath her defenses flaring up._

_"I don't want to talk about that," she added quickly._

_"Why's that?"_

_"I—it brings back a lot of painful memories," Kara cracked_

_Dr. Laurel leaned back, deciding to choose her words carefully, "I won't force you to talk about anything you don't want to, but in therapy, for progress to happen, you're going to have to open up, even if little by little," Kara looked away, prompting the doctor to continue. "It seems like your sleeping problem might be loosely related to your sister missing the special occasion, you want to talk about that a little? Did it bother you?"_

_Kara shook her head no, before coming clean after a bout of silence filled the room, "Yes."_

_"Did you tell her?"_

_Kara hesitated, "No…"_

_"Why?"_

_It was such a simple question. So why Kara's eyes started tearing up suddenly was both annoying and beyond what she could reason at the time._

_'Why am I crying? Rao what is wrong with me? I can't act like this. I promised my mom I would be strong.'_

_"Kara?"_

_Kara looked back and forth quickly, trying to dry her eyes before her tears slipped down her cheeks, "Umm.." She wavered, "I guess It's cause Alex deserves to have fun she—she—" a tear fell and Kara wiped it away hastily, "She's always protecting me," she started spinning the ring around her finger while bouncing her leg out of restlessness, Kara could no longer look the therapist in the eyes. She felt stupid for being so emotional over something so simple._

_'Why am I such a burden?'_

_"She's always protecting you?"_

_"I—yeah."_

_"And that makes you feel…" she let her fill in the blank._

_"It makes me feel...it makes me feel guilty," she finally admitted._

_"Why?"_

_"Alex, she's—she's gay and, not that it bothers me, I couldn't care less, if she's happy I'm happy y'know?" Dr. Laurel smiled while nodding her head, "Right well, she didn't figure that out until a year ago, and it's, it's my fault it took so long."_

_Dr. Laurel tilted her head for a moment, as if processing what Kara was saying, already trying to figure out why she might feel that way. "And why would Alex know she was gay earlier if not for you presence."_

_'"Because it was all about me!" Kara rushed to say, standing and pacing suddenly. Dr. Laurel was surprised by the outburst and held her hands out briefly as if to calm Kara down, although she allowed her to continue pacing, it helped her talk more. "I—it was always about me and what happened back on—in—in Minnesota," she stuttered._

_"What happened in Minnesota Kara?" Dr. Laurel asked again. Kara sat down suddenly, she squeezed her eyes shut._

_"My parents, they, they died in a crash, I was the only survivor."_

_"How old were you?"_

_"Thirteen."_

_Dr. Laurel studied Kara for moment, deciding whether or not to continue, "That's a tender age to process such a trauma," Kara shrugged her shoulders instead opting to stare adamantly at the carpet floor counting the different stitchings she noticed—it helped calm her._

_'One, two, three, four—'_

_"And you've never gone to therapy before?"_

_She shrugged her shoulders again, briefly looking up before answering, "I didn't need it. I was already enough trouble as it was."_

_"How so?" Dr. Laurel pressed._

_"I had nightmares and stuff from the accident."_

_'What a freak!'_

_'Sheesh Danvers what's wrong with your sister?'_

_'Why is she covering her ears?'_

_'Why is she always crying?'_

_'God Kara why can't you just be normal!' Alex screamed right before shutting her bedroom door in her face._

_"When a child goes through trauma Kara, it can trigger all sorts of responses. But that's normal, and that doesn't make you a burden."_

_'Burden.'_

_Something about the word wrapped a coil around Kara's chest, made the poison in her system more prominent as she started displaying its symptoms. Her hands started to shake, and something wet was on her face—_

_'Oh I'm crying.'_

_Kara got up again, grabbing her purse and heading for the door. "Kara wait we still have time—"_

_"No!" She stood shaking. "It happened a long time ago I just need to get over it," she reached for the door handle tears blurring her vision._

_"It's not something you just get over Kara, that's a serious trauma. You're not invincible and that's ok."_

_Kara laughed wildly then, choking on her own tears. Turning around she met a startled therapist, slowly trying to fill in the blanks. "You have no idea."_

Kara couldn't even close her eyes that night except for a brief moment where she woke up to the sound of Lena's voice and gentle touch trying to wake her.

"Kar, baby wake up."

Kara groaned slightly, "Lena?"

"I think you were having a bad dream, so I woke you up." Lena laid on her side. She gently played with Kara's hair, helping to soothe an impending headache. 

"Oh," there wasn't much Kara could say. 

_'I'm tired of talking. All this talking is making me so tired.'_

She sighed instead, rolling into Lena's open arms enjoying the way she fit nicely inside of them.

"Can you fall asleep?" 

"I think so," Kara lied, knowing Lena wouldn't be able to get any rest if Kara couldn't.

"Close your eyes baby…" she tiredly said.

"You first," Kara retorted. Lena smiled, already drifting off. 

"And I thought I was the competitive one," she mumbled succumbing to her dreams. Kara kissed her forehead gently before spending the rest of her night watching the pitch black sky and city lights give way to a new day. 

She watched the sun break, tuck away the stars and send the moon away.

It rose to heal the bruises on her skin, _but it could never touch the ones on her heart._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets dark. Warning of suicidal thoughts.

The following week felt like a haze to Kara, her heart thumped loudly in her ears and everything around her felt surreal, as though she were witnessing her life from a third person point of view. Voices sounded muffled and her thoughts seemed to scramble making it impossible to form sentences. It got so bad even James stopped to ask if she were ok, the question itself was harmless, but the pain in it brought about wasn't.

The only coherent thought floating around in her mind was the word  _ 'burden.'  _ It was the name for the poison in her veins and the bruises on her heart, everything she carried weighed Kara down making it difficult to be a strong hero, a good sister, and a supportive girlfriend. The trauma's she kept to herself for so long were making a debut, making her brain feel like a scattered office full of disorganized files and her presence like death and stress itself. 

_ She just wanted it all to go away. The pitying looks, the concerned talks, the silent whispers, she just wanted all of it to stop.  _

"Kara?"

"Hmm yeah?" She pushed her glasses up, focusing back on Lena, although not entirely looking into her eyes because she knew what she'd find. 

Lena clenched her jaw angrily, for the past week she had been waiting for Kara to say something, or at least follow through with another appointment, all she got instead were fidgety lunch dates, distant conversation, and sleepless nights listening to Kara whimper in her sleep. "Jesus Kara," she got up then, reaching for a bottle of water wishing desperately it were scotch, she was trying, why couldn't Kara?

"Lena I'm sorry I zoned, work is just—"

"Bullshit Kara!" 

"Lena—"

"Just stop ok?" She took a breath, trying to calm her fraying nerves, "I—I'm trying too Kara, you know?"

"I know," Kara whispered, shame latching onto each syllable.

"For the past week, you've been having nightmares, I try to talk to you about them, you brush me off. For the past week, you've been avoiding Alex, I try to talk to you about it, you brush me off. For the past month Kara! You've been hurting, and we've all been trying to talk to you about it and you just, you just pretend like everything ok when it clearly isn't!" 

"Lena I—"

"No! Stop making excuses Kara!"

Kara stood up from the couch in Lena's office, it wasn't sadness that was plaguing her heart now it was anger. Anger that everyone was _ pushing—pushing—pushing _ Kara to open up when she didn't want to. They were pressing on old wounds that she tried too hard to bury, so hard to forget, but now it was all coming back, starting deep in lungs wrapping around her heart lacing venom in next words, "What do you want from me Lena?!" She growled out.

"I want you to be honest! To open up!"

"Well I fucking can't ok?'" Lena looked taken aback, Kara rarely cursed, "Do you know how hard this is for me? Everybody looking at me like I'm broken when I'm suppose to be invincible?" Kara's eyes stared to water again, "Fuck Lena I can't I just can't be weak, not when the city needs me, and occasionally the world. I'm suppose to shoulder burdens, not spread them."

Lena folded her arms, squaring her jaw and tilting her head transforming to her CEO personality the same way Kara transformed into Supergirl. "So that's it then? Does that mean all the times I opened up I was being weak? A burden?"

Kara's eyes widened, she reached out for Lena only to find cold air and an empty space in her arms as she leaned back, "No Lena I didn't mean—"

"Save it Kara," she sighed exasperated, "I've been trying to be there for you, like you've been there for me and you won't let me. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Kara stayed quite knowing there was nothing she could say at that point.  _ 'Unless I start opening up like Lena wants.' _

"I know it's hard Kara, but you have to try and meet me halfway here. We're all so worried, and not because of what you went through, but because you're keeping it inside."

She was crying then and so was Kara, but still there was nothing she could say. Her lungs couldn't work, her brain was  _ spinning, spinning, spinning, _ and her heart was beating so slowly she felt like she wasn't even alive.

"I'm sorry," it was all she called manage to say. 

Lena scoffed, "Don't expect me home tonight."

"Lena—"

"No Kara! I can't keep watching toss and turn in your sleep, crying from whatever it is you can't talk about. I won't watch you suffer, I just can't," Lena's voice cracked at the end, her steely demeanor giving way for just a brief moment. 

"Ok," She wanted to say more, anything really, but the poison in her veins made it impossible to. Kara left lunch early, aimlessly walking the streets for the next several hours ignoring all of her calls. It wasn't until she received one from Alex that a small wave of relief hit her. "Alex I—"

"Kara we need Supergirl, there's another alien attack downtown. It seems like it's on the same chemical drugs the other two were on."

Shaking her head Kara put away her tears for another time. 

"Kara?"

"Y—Yeah I'm on my way."

"Ok be care—" she hung up before Alex could finish. 

She could've easily restrained the alien on any normal day. Except Kara hadn't been normal for some time. She was weak,  _ tired,  _ and after her fight with Lena she  _ wanted the alien to hurt her. Wanted to feel pain beyond the one aching inside her chest. _

_ "Kara? Kara get up!" _

_ She didn't. Kara let the alien throw her around like a rag doll, let herself fly through tree's smash into rocks and ricochet off of the Earth as though she were debris. Everything hurt, and Supergirl fell.  _

_ He had her by the neck, black spots started to fill her field of vision, the voice in her head telling her to fight back turned dull, barely audible to her super hearing ears.  _

_ The world went black, Kara wish she'd never wake up.  _

She woke to the beeping of her heart beat, slow and steady. She was awake when she didn't want to be. Her eyes started to close shut before a hand propped them open and a flashlight shone into them. "Oh no you don't." It was Alex, she looked about as terrible as Kara felt. The fatigue wore on her shoulders, the same way Kara's burdens wore on hers. Her heart broke, all this time she was trying to protect Alex, but all she managed to do was bring more pain. 

Nothing was said, Kara wasn't sure if she preferred the silence or not. "Alex I—"

"Stop," Alex shook her head, "Kara—I—your heart stopped twice Kara, twice!" Alex cried, her eyes already puffy from waiting for her sister to wake up. "I—I thought I lost y—you."

"Alex, I—I'm sorry."

Her sister sighed hopelessly, rubbing the tears from eyes while shaking her head in disappointment, "I don't want you to be sorry Kara, I just want you to be honest. If not with me, then someone else. Please Kara, you're hurting, and it's killing me, us."

"Alex I'm so sorry," Kara whispered she covered her face with her hands to hide oncoming tears and avoid the disappointment in Alex's features. The bed dipped as Alex sat down, slowly she pried away her sisters hands revealing a red face and tear stained cheeks. Bruises and cuts littered her face. A split lip, black eye, and bruised neck, Kara looked as she felt. 

Alex laid down next to her holding her close telling her it'd be okay. She so desperately wanted to believe it, both girls did. 

Late in the night when Kara stirred again, she found hazel nut eyes staring back at her, a small smile lit up her face. "Hey."

"Hey," Alex whispered back. "I haven't seen you sleep soundly in so long, I guess you haven't either huh?" Kara bit her lip, wanting so desperately to deny the truth—she nodded her head yes instead. 

"Your nightmares came back." Alex shifted closer, she reached to message the crease in Kara's brow. "It started around Earth birthday didn't it?" 

"Al—"

"I've been a bad sister haven't I?" She was grateful for the darkness engulfing the room then, Kara couldn't see her cry. 

A tidal wave guilt swelled from Kara's lungs engulfing her whole, she rushed to the surface, "It's not just you, you know? I've been a bad sister too, making you worry all the time—"

Alex interrupted her, "You aren't a bad sister for making me worry Kara. I will always worry, I love you, it comes with the territory. The one thing you could've done better was opening up, because this," Alex gestured to Kara's bruised state, "This isn't working for me or you."

"You're right," it was a small admittance on Kara's part, and really words meant little to actions, but it was at least a start. "I'll make an appointment for that therapist again." 

Alex kissed her cheek softly, "I'll be waiting for you, I promise." 

Kara didn't heal from that fight for awhile, bruises still marred her skin, she'd never been so grateful for makeup. Alex checked up on her more often now, they had their sister nights, but there was something still unsaid lingering in the air. Kara knew her sister felt it, she'd catch her worried gaze falling on her every time she laughed, every time she smiled, every time she showed herself as sunshine Danvers she could tell Alex was wondering if it was all an act. 

J'onn took over Supergirl for some time as it was Alex's one request Kara heal properly first,  _ 'body and mind'  _ she said, before heading out again. The thought, while caring, often came to bring Kara down. She felt useless, she was sent to Earth to protect it and she couldn't even do that. 

Therapy couldn't come soon enough, although Kara would wish against the stars that she could find a way out of.

_ 'If there's any time for an alien invasion, now would be great,' She thought while entering the building.  _

"Kara Danvers?" 

_ 'Fuck.'  _

She really wished Lena was with her then, her eyes caught onto the seat she waited in, where a teenage girl with blonde hair and sunken eyes sat. It seemed like Kara wasn't the only one getting no sleep. 

"Kara, I'm glad to see you're back," Dr. Laurel sounded pleased, as if hoping she would return. 

Kara sent her a halfhearted smile, cautiously sitting at the edge of the couch preparing herself just in case she had to leave and that alien invasion did happen.

"How have you been?" 

Kara shook her head not entirely sure where to start. "I've been better," it was the truth. While playing with her ring, Dr. Laurel took in her appearance, she sat hunched over causing her t-shirt to sag a little rom her neckline. A bruise stood out then, its midnight purple color standing out against her white skin. 

"What happened there?"Dr. Laurel asked with a sense of curiosity. She hadn't even pointed to the bruise and Kara had already instinctively covered it up.

"I fell?"  _ 'God why can't I learn to lie?' _

_ " _ You fell? Is that a question or an answer?" Dr. Laurel raised her eyebrows, bordering on an accusatory look. It was like despite not knowing Kara's secret she could still see right through her, like she was transparent. 

"I—I got into a fight, after our, um session." Kara felt pins and needles erupt across her skin, she knew her therapist was going to ask  _ why, a question she didn't have a clear answer to. (Or she did, she just didn't want to think about it). _

"Was it out of anger?"

"What?" Her head shot up.

"What were you feeling when you got into the fight?" 

"I was…" 

" _ Kara get up!'" _

_ 'I don't want to.' _

Kara looked down at the carpet and shifted her glasses. "I wasn't angry, I was…upset."

"Upset how?"

_ Kara rolled over in the dirt, black spots threatened the corners of her vision, her leg felt like it was on fire, her breath barely made it out of her lungs. She couldn't feel anything but pain—Kara clung to it.  _

"I don't really want to get into it today." 

Dr. Laurel nodded her head, "Well why don't we go back to Minnesota and your sister, seeing as this is how it all started." 

She twisted the ring around her finger, counting each time it made a full rotation. "Ok."

"Why don't we start with you and Alex. Have you talked to her about the celebration she missed?" Kara shook her head, a frown tugged at the corners of lips as she thought of her missed Earth birthday.

"Why's that?" 

The frown on Kara's face gave way to one of confusion. She sat back for a moment before settling her gaze on the doctor. "I already told you, she deserves to have fun."

"And celebrating with you isn't fun?" 

"No!" Kara defended quickly she blushed slightly at the outburst, "It's not that, it's, celebrating when I came to live with the Danvers is suppose to turn a sad day into a happier one. But I guess, despite the cake and smiles I always felt this hole that I guess only Alex could…fill." 

Dr. Laurel looked deep in thought for a moment, it seemed like she was choosing her next words carefully. "So you sent her away because…"

She trailed off, leaving Kara to fill in the blanks, it seemed to be her method of therapy, encouraging her patients to open up without trying to read their minds, "Because I didn't want her to be sad. Because she finally found someone who makes her happy and whole in a way I never let her feel because it was always about making me feel better." 

"So you sacrificed a day, a very special day, with her, to make up for what you feel you took from her?" Kara nodded her head slowly in concentration, as if she found herself putting together all the broken puzzle pieces.

"Tell me, have you made other sacrifices like this too before?" 

Kara took a moment to think about all the missed sister nights, reassuring smiles she could barely hold, and the lies, all the lies of  _ 'being ok.' _

She shrugged her shoulders, looking out the window down into the park across the street, where a family sat picnicking. "I guess."

"And who do you talk to when you sister isn't there?"

Shaking her head no, Kara answered, "Alex is the only one who understands."

"Why?" Kara rolls her eyes a little at the question. Dr. Laurel was always asking why, and it was driving her a little insane.

"Because she knows what I went through."

The therapist looks out the window too, her eyes catching the subjects which have Kara's attention. A young girl sneaks playfully up next to her father, a mischievous look in her demeanor as if she's planning something. Suddenly, she taps him, she say’s something and runs off, to which he laughs and chases her. Kara looks thoughtfully at the family, as if remembering her own. Her lips are curled upward, but her brows were scrunched together downward pained by the happy memories. 

"You told her?" 

Kara's smile dropped, her crinkle appeared. "No, I never told her."

"Then how did she know?"

"She, my step-mom, Eliza, told her I guess. And there were times, on bad nights, that I'd open up a little." 

"Kara, is it possible, that the reason why you gravitate towards Alex so much is because she never actually have to open up to her? That she just knows how and why to…distract you at certain times?"

She'd never thought about like that. All that time spent with Alex and Kara never actually opened up. She never talked about Krypton exploding, her mother saying goodbye, or even the darkness that she spent so long trying to forget. It was always about her powers and sometimes about what life was like on Krypton, but never about those final moments, those final goodbyes. 

"I don't know."

The doctor took a breath. "Would you say, Kara, that you never actually processed what happened in Minnesota?"

_ 'I'll always be with you.' _

She closed her eyes ridding the memory that stung like a lie permanently seared into her mind. "It was a long time ago," Kara opted to say instead of answering the question.

"It doesn't mean it can't hurt. Trauma like that Kara, it might never go away, but there are ways to cope. Bottling it up," Dr. Laurel shook her head, "Bottling it up will only hurt more, it becomes impossible to move forward if you don't deal with things." 

Kara wiped away some tears pooling at her eyes. Dr. Laurel handed her a tissue extending her arm like an olive branch towards her. She stared at it for a moment. "It's okay to cry Kara." 

Hesitantly she reached out and took the tissue, moving her glasses slightly to wipe at her eyes. 

"I think that's enough for today. If you want, you can schedule another appointment with the receptionist." 

Kara nodded her head before politely saying goodbye and leaving, but not before setting up another appointment. When she was done, she noticed Alex sitting in the waiting room along with Kelly smiling as she made her way out. She reached out and Kara sought out her sisters comforting arms letting her hold her close. "I'm proud of you." 

It was strange, Kara was use to feeling ashamed when she wasn't ok, but this time she felt light, felt a little hopeful that things would get better.  _ (She was starting to see the bright side of healing, although she'd never recognize it then) _ . "Thanks," she mumbled as Alex and Kelly led her out of the building and towards her favorite breakfast place. 

To say she was surprised to see Lena sitting at a booth was an understatement. "Lena! Hi," Kara finished nervously, looking everywhere but her.

"Kelly and I are gonna go order," Alex shot Kara glance letting her know they weren't in a rush to get back. She nodded her head, slightly grateful for the privacy. When they walked away Lena glared her throat, bringing Kara's attention back on her. Despite the tense atmosphere she still smiled, happy to see Lena and hear her voice. 

"Lena I'm—"

"Kara I—"

"Oh," Kara chuckled, both girls blushing at their own impatience. 

"You first," Lena said. 

Still standing, Kara looked down at Lena, "I'm sorry, I was out of line with our last fight."

Lena tilted her head and rolled her eyes lovingly. "Funny, I was going to say the same thing." 

"You shouldn't be," Kara sat down next to Lena instinctively reaching for her hand. "I needed that push. It wasn't fair to you, what I was doing, making you worry and not even opening up to you about it even though I know how it feels when the roles are reversed." Lena grimaced, looking away for a moment. 

"Still, I shouldn't have abandoned you like that," guilt weaved itself in Lena's tone, "You would have never done that to me." 

Kara shook her head, still not willing to admit Lena was right. She stopped when a hand softly cupped her cheek and green eyes fell into hers. "Let's just agree we were both out of line yeah?" Kara smiled and nodded her head. 

"I can do that," she leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on Lena's lips before adding another one just because she missed her. 

"How was therapy?" Lena asked

"Can we talk about when we get home?" Kara hedged, not in the mood to start crying in public.

"Ok," Lena agreed.

"Alright!" Alex and Kelly made their way back, "I got egg white spinach omelette for Lena," Kara cringed at the plate. Lena rolled her eyes smiling. 

"Not everybody has a ridiculous metabolism Kara," Lena defended.

Alex scoffed, "Tell me about it!" 

Everybody at the table laughed and Kara felt her heart swell. For the first time in a month she could genuinely laugh, especially when Lena started stealing her biscuits and gravy, but she didn't mind, Lena could take whatever she liked from her and she wouldn't complain. Alex eyed her from across the table with some signs of relief, but a silent ' _ we need to talk' _ evident in her look. They would, just not right then, Kara simply wanted to be. 

Their talk came a week later when they finally managed to squeeze a single sister night after about a month. They were cuddled on the couch watching a movie Kara couldn't focus on. Everything was fine, but the atmosphere felt heavy. It was Alex who eventually broke the silence, she slid her finger delicately around her wine glass before bringing up what Kara couldn't.

"You know, I just realized it's been awhile since we've done this," she started. 

Kara looked away from the TV, meeting her sisters downtrodden one instead. "Yeah…"

"I'm sorry about that. I know I've been spending a lot of time with Kelly and—"

"Alex wait," Kara held her hand, placing it on Alex's knee, she looked surprised by the interruption, but this conversation was long overdue. "Don't apologize for spending time with Kelly. I was the one who told you to go, you and I both know if I had been honest, you would've dropped everything for me." 

Alex shook her head, "Still Kar, I should've known, I mean I—"

"You can't know what I don't tell you. And as of lately, there's a lot I haven't actually said."

"Like what?" 

Kara looked away for a moment, finding honesty a hard thing to commit to when all she wanted was for everyone around her to be alright. "Like that you skipping Earth birthday didn't bother me," she nervously blurted. "Or like…"

Alex reached out when she noticed Kara falter in her train of thoughts. Wrapping her arms around her little sister she tried to make her feel safe. "Like what babe?" 

"Like not actually telling you about Krypton, not really opening up because it's hard and you deserve space too." 

Confused, Alex prompted her to continue. "What do you mean?"

Kara took a breath before starting. "When I came here, I—I never actually talked about Krypton, I just talked about what you knew through Eliza. I never talked about those final moments, just my powers and the things I miss about home," Kara's voice cracked, "And that's all I talked about, all those nights when I couldn't sleep it was all about me. And then you came out a year ago and I just realized how selfish I was."

"Ok whoa," Alex pulled away from Kara slightly, "Me coming out, that's on me, not you."

Kara sighed, "Alex—"

"No Kara listen. Even if you weren't my alien sister, I wouldn't—I wouldn't have talked about it. It was so much more than me just not having a place to talk. I hated myself, although I never realized it, and I can promise you I wasn't in a place to open up then." 

"But maybe—"

"No Kara, me being gay, at that time, it was a lot handle, it was my Krypton. The same way you didn't want to talk about it, neither did I, and that's not on you. Alright?"

"Ok," Kara answered not entirely convinced, but she could get there.

"Now come here." She giggled as Alex wrapped a blanket around the two of them, holding her sister close in a way that promised a better tomorrow. 

They fell asleep cuddled on the couch. When the sun peaked above the horizon and into Kara's apartment windows, it found her smile as she woke from a good night’s rest. Everything wasn't perfect, and it probably would never be, but Kara felt a little more at peace.  __ And for the first time, when she looked at the sun, she had hope that maybe with each new day and each new promising sunrise, the bruises on her heart could learn to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the read!


End file.
